The news has portrayed England fans in a bad light over the last week, but they are just a small minority. The England fan has several characteristics and is easily distinguished from his foreign counterparts. Here we’ll look at what makes the England fan so unique.
Clothing
Several items of clothing are applicable for Mr England. He’s usually seen wearing an England shirt (naturally) with the year of the shirt varying from fan to fan. In the summer, Mr England can be seen topless, getting progressively more sunburnt throughout the afternoon, whilst in the winter, Mr England can be seen dressed as a knight. This is all dependent on what part of England Mr England comes from. If he’s from the North East, he’s permanently topless, regardless of weather.
Face Paint
Mr England typically has the St. George’s Cross painted on his face.
Vocal Cords
With the exception of Mr England who plays the trumpet (a possible sufferer from laryngitis), the rest have all mastered singing. He has incredible vocal cord endurance and can sing IN-GER-LAND on repeat for a whole 90 minutes (sometimes longer).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sExa-QqD2KE
Headgear
This can range from almost anything, flat caps, jester hats, afros coloured in red and white and chainmail.
Body Art
Mr England is not afraid to show off a bit of flesh, particularly when he’s had to travel to a much warmer part of the world. Tattoos are almost an essential for Mr England. Bulldogs, St George’s crosses and England or club football badges are all accepted. The more emotional Mr England will have an “I love Mum” tattoo, but he’s regarded as far too in touch with his emotional side by others.
Speed
Mr England is a particularly swift individual. He leaves his seat at half time, goes to the toilet, buys a pie and a pint, and is back in time for the second half. A slow Mr England is met with disappointment by his peers who are already seated for the second half. They then have to move to allow their slower colleague to get past them to his seat.
Intelligence
Mr England can often envisage how his nation will get on in a tournament. A scruffy group performance, followed up by a defeat on penalties is a usual prediction. The more optimistic Mr England will declare, “England will win the Euros/World Cup”, but he is often met with looks of derision from his peers.
Mental Strength
Numerous defeats on penalties over the years have made Mr England a hugely resilient fellow. He’s stared at the penalty spot many times, having seen an England player miss. A weaker minded Mr England turns his back and relies on the sound of the crowd to tell him what’s happened.
Accessories
Mr England has an extensive flag selection available to him. He sometimes takes a flag with him to the stadium with his hometown clearly signposted on it, e.g. Stoke, Doncaster, to “network” with other fans. Occasionally an edgy Mr England who thinks he’s really cool has a big flag that he waves around during the match, in reality he’s obstructing the viewing for Mr England two rows below.
Mr England always has a beverage of some capacity in hand, usually amber or golden coloured. The fullness of his glass is dependent on how much has been spilt whilst jumping up and down singing IN-GER-LAND. His other hand usually contains an inflatable World Cup trophy; this is then deflated at the end of the tournament, just like his hope and optimism in the team.