Football is a complicated business. It may seem simple at first glance. 11 men per side try to score more goals than the other team over 90 minutes. But you’re missing the bigger picture.
You’re not taking account of the little horses or the cows. You haven’t checked whether the supermarket sells grade 1 eggs, or whether it’s even open. And you probably haven’t even considered who you want to play you in the movie of your life. This sort of thing takes vision, and when you’re operating on such a high level, it’s not surprising that us mere mortals sometimes have trouble understanding it.
Don’t worry though, we’ve trawled through his various philosophical musings to find a few rules that must be obeyed.
IT’S NOT MY FAULT
An essential and pivotal factor in Mourinho’s rules. It’s actually the most important one. Deflection onto some other factors, like weather, referees, pitches are all vital to the inner Mourinho.
“Look, I’m a coach, I’m not Harry Potter. He is magical, but in reality, there is no magic. Magic is fiction and football is real.”
“Every time I play Pep [Guardiola] I end up with 10 men. It must be some sort of UEFA rule.”
“Some clubs are treated as devils, some are treated as angels. I don’t think we are so ugly that we should be seen as the devil and I don’t think Arsene Wenger and David Dein are so beautiful that they should be viewed as angels.”
“The best team lost. After they scored only one team played, the other one just defended for the whole game.”
LET ME TRY TO EXPLAIN THIS IN TERMS THAT YOU IDIOTS CAN UNDERSTAND
Some might find this patronising, others might find it endearing. The media love Mourinho’s analogies as they’re perfect headline material. Like a good cake, they’re good for the first 24 hours, but eventually the novelty factor wears off and it becomes stale.
“It’s like having a blanket that is too small for the bed. You pull the blanket up to keep your chest warm and your feet stick out. I cannot buy a bigger blanket because the supermarket is closed. But the blanket is made of cashmere.”
“You may as well put a cow in the middle of the pitch, walking. And then stop the game because there was a cow.”
“Young players are like melons. Only when you open and taste the melon are you 100% sure that the melon is good.”
“We are a little horse. A horse that still needs milk and to learn how to jump.”
I AM JOSE MOURINHO, YOU FOOLS
He is of course The Special One, as he announced on his arrival at Stamford Bridge over a decade ago. He returned to West London in 2014 claiming himself as The Happy One. Two and a half years later and the Chelsea dressing room had a stench about it very similar to the one currently at Old Trafford.
“I am Jose Mourinho and I don’t change. I arrive with all my qualities and my defects.”
“Please do not call me arrogant because what I say is true. I’m European champion. I’m not one out of the bottle, I think I’m a special one.”
“[God] must really think I’m a great guy.”
“I have a problem, which is I’m getting better at everything related to my job since I started.”
As it stands, Jose looks like he could be shown the door at any point, so you could check out the latest odds for who might become the new Manchester United manager right here on NetBet.